What to Do After the Game
Why immediate post-game lectures fail and how coaches can better handle tough losses with their athletes.
Ask GRM
Remember: Game Ready! Life Ready!Scott K. WilderFounder & CEOGame Ready Mindset Mental Readiness415-205-6060 gamereadymindset.comWilderville, CA
Coaches,
Happy Sunday. I’m on the East Coast today, enjoying some great fall weather (cold, at least for me).
This week, let’s talk about a tough loss or tie.
You’ve been there. The final whistle blows, the other team is celebrating, and your players are hanging their heads or staring at you as if to say, “Sorry, coach,” or “What just happened?”
What you say next matters more than most of what you said in the game plan.
I used to think the right move was to fix it right away (or to yell at them ). I was wrong. That’s what I did when I coached in the early 2000s.
Why the first few minutes are tricky
Right after a game, emotions are running hot. One sports organization shares a quote from Dr. Bruce Perry, a well-known brain and trauma expert: trying to reason with someone before they’re calm won’t work and will only increase frustration for both people. (Maybe you’ve even experienced this in your own relationships )
So a long breakdown right after the game usually doesn’t land. Players aren’t ready to hear it.
What the research says
A heads-up before we dive in. Some of this advice may be different from how our own coaches handled losses when we were growing up. The kids we coach today are growing up in a different world, and that means our approach has to adjust with them. They’re dealing with pressures we never had, like social media, constant comparison, and the stress of recruiting and performing for an audience. A tough loss can land on top of all of that.
I’ll be honest. This hasn’t been easy for me to adjust to. In my day, coaches were direct, and the feedback came fast and blunt. That’s what I knew. But as Bob Dylan said, the times are a-changin’. And they have. One of the reasons I do this work is to help coaches connect with today’s young players, because the message only matters if they can actually hear it.
I’m not interested in debating whether today’s kids are “soft.” That’s a conversation for another day, and it takes more than an email. Our job is to coach the players in front of us.
Be kind to yourself after failure. In a lab study of 91 college and national-level athletes, those who were more self-compassionate showed better heart rate recovery after recalling a sport failure. In plain English, their bodies calmed down faster.
Kindness doesn’t make players soft. Another study found that athletes with more self-compassion had fewer self-critical thoughts after getting tough feedback. To be fair, the same study did not find that it improved their sprint times. So the benefit is mostly emotional, and that’s still worth a lot.
Athletes can be afraid of being kind to themselves. Researchers noted that athletes often fear self-compassion, and that dealing with that fear may help them recover. Many players think beating themselves up is how you get better. You can show them it isn’t.
Coaches change how they talk after a loss. A 2025 study recorded seven elite coaches in 18 team debriefs. After losses, coaches spent more time on systems monitoring, and after wins they spent longer on performance monitoring and problem solving. It’s a small study, but it shows that how we talk really does shift with the scoreboard. It’s worth noticing in ourselves.
Losing coaches follow a pattern. A Wake Forest professor studied post-game comments from top college basketball coaches. The most common theme was acknowledging the winner. They also gave fans a different way to define winning. That’s a good model for how to show class in front of your team.
What to say right after the game
Start by acknowledging effort. Then, if you want, add a little constructive feedback. Keep it light, specific, and about the next step, not a list of what went wrong.
Save the critical stuff for the next practice. Right after a loss, players are too raw to really take it in. They’ll hear it better once they’ve slept on it.
Here are some lines to try:
“I’m proud of how you fought.”
“Give the other team credit. They earned it.”
“This hurts because you care. That’s a good thing.”
“Get some food and rest. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
What to skip
A long list of mistakes
Blaming the ref, the weather, or one player
“We should have won.” They already know.
Sarcasm or silence that feels like punishment
Use the 24-hour rule
Many high school coaches tell players and parents, “We don’t talk about the game until 24 hours later,” once everyone has calmed down. The late Pat Summitt reportedly used a version of this too. She limited both celebrating and mourning to one day, then got back to work. That detail comes from a leadership blog, not a formal study, but the idea fits the research above.
Feel it. Name it. Then move on.
Don’t forget yourself
You’re a person too. The Positive Coaching Alliance suggests coaches figure out what triggers them and ask assistant coaches for feedback on how they react. If you’re fuming, wait before you speak. A calm coach helps a team settle.
A tie is its own thing
Ties often feel worse than losses because there’s no clear story. Try this: “We didn’t lose, we didn’t win. What did we do well, and what’s one thing we’ll fix?” Keep it to one thing, and save that for the next practice.
This week’s challenge
Pick one sentence from the list above and have it ready before your next game. You won’t think of the right words in the moment, so decide now.
Reply and tell me what works for you.
Scott
P.S. A little something for you
I’ve published a book to help adults fine-tune their career paths, and there’s an app that goes with it.
The book: Get it on Amazon. Free PDFs are available if you reply and ask.
The app: journeyline.grmsports.com. It takes about 10 minutes.
Let me know if you know someone who might be interested in this weekly email.
Remember: Game Ready! Life Ready!Scott K. WilderFounder & CEOGame Ready Mindset Mental Readiness415-205-6060 gamereadymindset.comWilderville, CA
About the author
Scott K. Wilder is the founder of Game Ready Mindset™, a program and platform for teams and athletic programs, working with players, position groups, and teams in baseball, soccer, softball, and volleyball. He holds a Master’s from the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology (now Sofia University), an MBA from New York University, and a Master’s in International Studies and Conflict Resolution from The Johns Hopkins University, with coaching credentials from Georgetown University, Brian Cain’s MPM Program, the National Federation of High Schools, and FC Barcelona Football Club. He is the author of Millennial Leaders, Find What Energizes You (just published), and Compete in Any Weather.